pain. you make me a believer now for fucks sake shut up.

I lay in my bed this morning and remember the days I was a landscaper.  The days I would wake up to the satisfying feeling of healing muscles.  The work was hard but the company of flowers and shrubbery can't be beat.

I would go on long hikes for no other reason then I could.

I'm 30.

This is normal.

 This is 30. 

Then there was an accident.

Im 31.  The pain inflames my entire back and I can barely do anything.  I do everything the physio and massage therapist tell me  to do but see no change.

Im 32.  I decide to do the comic thing again and spend alot of time shifting papers trying to find the funnies.  Nothing is funny but I know I laughed once.

Im 33. 

I'm afraid to go on long hikes because I may end up wasting the day in the bathtub trying to find release.

This should be what 60 feels like on a healthy body.

I look fine.

Barely a wrinkle on me.

"Hello" I say it all day long because there is nothing else I want to say.

Sometimes this induces a giggle fit because this is the name of my show and I'm a bit of a twisted fuck. 

But today.

Today I make an angry Playlist with songs I liked in my teens and left behind as my anger left me in the freedom I found within adult life.  

And I dance, an angry dance, no I won't dance it for you it looks nuts, as I do my yoga, and I can.

I can stretch as far as I could before the accident.

I can dance.

I can do push ups.

I can do a shit load of squats.

And the pain remains. 

There is no relief. 

Only moments of respite.

One day. I think handing a bag to a confused customer as I try to stifle a maddened giggle.

I'll make you laugh about this.