The Plan Pt1

 Man I love this comic so much.  I never posted it though because inspiration always came in parts.  Its ME.  Yep.  Blatant self insertion comic.  I believe people call it poor mans therapy.  The first two pages came to me when I was taking time off school.  I had forsaken THE PLAN!  Forsaken the golden egg that would lead me to salvation!  The plan was trying to shake me up using the most dick move possible.  SUICIDE JOKES.  People make jokes about suicide, most have the tact and common sense to know when to stop.  Where the unspoken lines are.

You see if someone made a joke like that  back then.

I would of told them to do it.

I partially drew the comic to deal with my own wrestle with failure and in part to call out the rousing behavior in other people. (Myself included I know I made the same jokes.)

But I realized the mistake in writing it.  There is a chance someone could read it, see the words "DO IT" and have it push them over the edge.  I just want you to see my anger because my anger is what keeps me from being a jumper.   The anger I feel though doesn't translate onto the page.

HERE.

HEAR my anger.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvG0n9etyHU&t=136s

I'm depressed when I sing this.

Not Angry.

DEPRESSED.

This is one of the faces of depression but its one we save for ourselves when no one else is around.

Mostly because Im afraid if I threw this side of me around.

Well.

Listen and you can imagine the monster I hide in my sea.

Some people need to see your monster to know you give a damn.

Other people would need a softer approach but me,  Its all or nothing.  All my rage or so much sadness I cant get out of bed.  I don't really have an in-between stop button.  For this reason no matter how depressed I get I will never be a suicide risk.  It makes it hard to understand people that choose it.

Most people choose to be happy.  Going up to the rooftop and getting a breath of fresh air sounds like a good idea when your feeling blue.  especially in the city where the constant wave of people can become overwhelming.  I keep getting turned around in cites.  You leave no tracks on pavement. The smells are all wrong.  I could live there if I HAD to, or if there was a purpose to it.  I would find a way to manage.  Most are adaptable.  Perfection is a mechanical bird to me.  You take a broken organic and give it new life.  The gears are just apart of what makes it work.  Nothing can stay pure and whole forever.

You cant yell in a city.  Not unless your truly in trouble.  you open your door when you think you hear a scream and sit on your patio, in the dark without turning on your lights.  Its easier to know how to react to horror from a distance.  You can always say, well this is what I would do, but you don't know.  Not until your in the situation.

I love drawing comics but I'm simply not fast enough to keep up with the production output for a weekly schedule.  Not if I want to keep up with everything else.  I get down somedays because the world is

BIG

MASSIVE

AWE INSPIRING,

and

I am an ant.

A tiny snail.

That should give me hope, because I love to watch snails motoring past on rain drenched sidewalks.  The water glistening off the mucus membranes.  Their inquisitive antenna seeking snail nirvana.
Whatever that looks like.

PLANS

I'm a planner.  Always have been.  Sometimes researching and planning is more gratifying than any dream of completion. Creating elaborate to do lists is a logic exercise.  A connects to B, B to C.  I keep messing up half way through the alphabet and being sent back to start.
I'm still trying to figure out why I fall short on the worlds measuring stick.
I would like to say Im just lazy.  To lay the blame squarely on my shoulders.  If I lack so much then I have permission not to try.  Im not lazy though.  Not stupid, crazy, minds sometimes hazy, and I have all I could want or need.

I'm a dreamer,

the world needs us,

but doesn't want to feed us,

because our best work

goes on behind the scenes.

the pit crew,

the stagehands.  

easy to forget,

to cut out,

when all you see

is the finished product.

I loved landscaping.
I loved working outside in nature.
I need a job where I work both with my hands and  my mind.
Try as I may I cant cut my heart out of the equation.
For now I make PLANS.
I want to make ones that I can share with the world.
MAY.
THIS MONTH.
I WILL GET SOMETHING OUT INTO THE WORLD.
Even if its just a blog no one looks at.
Yep.
Enough of this self reflective pity party.
Ive got work to do.