ma the farm

I LOVED THE SOUND OF THE WORDS!!!!!

I loved cartoons growing up.  Mainly I loved to laugh.  I'm trying to reread a snoopy book I Read as a kid.  I remember this one time reading a excerpt of snoopy to the class.  I know now that not all comics are made to be read aloud.  Snoopy can be a little theological and I only liked the slapstick humor.   I was the loud kid that got told to shut up, use your "indoor voice," a lot.  I have a decent singing voice but more than anything else, its loud.  I'm dealing with some depression right now and I just need to try to reconnect with what I found funny.  Problem is I have a hard time shutting my inner voices up.  My shadows of doubt keep piping in and stopping me from moving forward.

Part of the problem is I love AAAAAAAALLLLLLL of the arts.  Writing, singing, reading, poetry, lyrics, love em all.  never enough time though to get everything out and done.  Ive had alot of free time but my head has been in a constant fog.  Physical pain can do that to you.  I feel lazy, stupid, and I hate crying.  Been hard to get any motivation to do anything.  Music always makes me happy though.  Been trying to relearn the guitar.  Never got very far with it as a kid but I want to learn a few easy songs that people can sing along with.  I was a choir kid.  I love a choir.  I need to move away from being a follower.  I need to talk back to my shadows and slap them in the face.  BUNCH OF FUCKING TROLLS!!!

There is this disconnect I keep feeling.  I keep switching gears and trying new things because without doing that I just feel like an empty husk.  Optimism and Cynicism are the two swords I need to use to Keep myself balanced.  Alas I feel like a mother with a barren field and no child to call her own.

 There is a problem with having a go with the flow attitude.  Its easy to get overtaken by the desires of other people.  When you take from the earth you have to give something back.  Over plantation results in infertile soul soil. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOXgDrrKQUM
Ive been feeding my soul the same music and comics for years.  I keep trying to figure out all of my own problems while trying to do what is expected of me. 
Problem is I WANT IT ALL!!!!!!!!!
BUT NOT ONLY FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!
BUT I KEEP EXPECTING ME TO BE ENOUGH ON MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHOIR KIDS NEED TO STAY IN CHOIRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i WAS NEVER ENOUGH ON MY OWWWWWNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LIIIIIIISSSTEEEENNNN TOOOOOO MEEEEEE WHHHHHIIIIIIINNNNEEE!!!!!!!
I love MUSIC and COMICS because their a band for the art of words.
And Its in the arts that I can feel my heart but my passion is for reason and the earth.
I HAVE ONE LOVE <3  Truth.  I want to be able to give it freely to the world.
I have to have faith in the people I love and give back to the world.

Working customer service jobs tends to deplete my emotional nutrients.  As charlie brown once said  "I love mankind.  It's people I can't stand!!"  I cant find the right mix of BEING present and giving all of my heart at work.  I want to be both.  I want to BUR-READ! lol!  My heart into everything that I touch, everything that I do. 
I'm at the age where I should be having children and I'M STILL UNSURE!  The world is scary!  I want only the best for my children and for the world.  I just still feel like a child inside.  I don't know how the young parents manage it.  I also don't know how some people can have complete trust in the world.  Its fucking scary.  I need to work on breaking out of this.  I have to remember its okay to work on myself today, both for today, yesterday, and today.  I want to keep getting up.  Its the thing Im best at.